True Confessions of a Subliterate Dork
On the Aesthetics of Beauty and Hell
Glossings. Rays through twinkling dust. Actinism. Creating one’s own definitions for historical rhetorical devices. A sudden reflexive slew of description. Glossing: extrapolating and generalizing from (misleading as not) descriptions, one after another, the run rabid run, till grinding – to a to a to a – halt.
Curiosity Wired Up, in a rhyming rhythmic dump-a non-resisting the compulsion – chasmic, riffing after insalubrious charms, groping the exquisite lack & luster for bold burnt bone black – bubbling up through the dross.
Build up: a borderline safety net – from misery, oh mystery – calls for armor. Rally, perpetuate, till it breaks into spoof. Contempt like what – coral. Colors of orange mauve emerald blue – but ohh ho oh when the paint turns to mud. Thats when it really gets a-musing –
Currently having (in my painting) a mud period. Why so stubborn to squander colors into mud??
Unruly or Arrogant
How is it arrogance?? The accusation embraces its “master.” The squander bunny. To squander beauty – as what pops up are dumbfoundedly: delicate & profound configurations, riddled as chastening with sordid sweet happened stances of holy hell. Arrogance (as a suggestion even) bleeds like a bloodstained lark into visions exquisite with hell –
How many times can a person grace the colors of hell – the little bird says: as many as can smell. Dire magnificent religiously plowboy – elusive for sweet illicit treasury of – death, as an equivalent to – depth.
Is it arrogance that squanders. Or sorrow of a beauty too flirtatious mischievous irreverent insolent impetuous obstinate (and above all else) feckless – to be upheld. Not to understress the strange and lovable sanctimony under duress from thunderclaps of impossible desire.
Love escapes itself: stands in a hot spring mountain Mud Spot, painting face with dark blue black drippy mud, holding head back – till it dries into cracks – as the sun beats down –
Can’t break the spell. Sweet as hell.
Bring out the guns
Camo-wearing, green grey beige golden sand of sun, carbon-shielded, military get-up (impractical?!) shows up.
Comes to mind always: the cynicism and piousness of guns. As a scoff and snicker of dynamite beauty. Guns blowing lights out – to bust it all up. Death as zealotry godliness dissidence uprising. Wanton freedom, law-into-your-own-hands lawlessness –
Ehhhhheehehhhhehhhehhhh. Dance under the bullets of this nozzle’s nuzzling love. Rosebud.
Monsters suddenly colluding over lunch. Destruction as intimacy. Mutuality. Sitting under a canopy. Listening to the waterfall.
The Gift: to be drunk again, sweet boast & drivel everything everything. MMM. For a pynch cine-mastic, where grace woos forlorn, Wheezy the Night Watchman. Shuffling home. Minding the curb. Minding himself minding the curb. Walking after midnight slipping into sweet random waves of lyrical woozy awe fullness. Under presence and pressure of seamounts – sifting thru – lava? Cement under presence and pressure of lava – cracks. Does not melt.
After: The Pump House for a party of Pitchers. Rubbing elbows with future phds, science grad students – swill & gargle. Oh how Wheezy loves talking incrementals with the studious.
Meters calculated and analyzed via speed of light, to standardize close as one can get to a universal measurement of distance. Remembered reading something about it. Right –
Wheezy graced with the pleasantry in conference with Joyce’s Leopold Bloom, standing in front of mirror in the washroom, wiping hands after a couple two many, feeling the ocean sing: “it’s downright beautiful!”
Hell – no.
Ho could you ever, go – never is forever, snore pour bore (as in instrument you f*cks) Pee Boy love license car vehicle. Obsessing over beauty of moving instruments.
Sleepy weepy creepy, yah but oh the murderer – whose dreary sweet angelic presence is so powerful an ill-kept creature – oft as ever suddenly under weight of its horrible beauty: can’t breath can’t breath.
Stupidity, laziness, terror, freedom, contempt. The revelatory plasma of a wild things’ damnable mutuality, insidious perfidious nefarious etc. bent. Oh friends of the alpha privative Greek. Cassandra pileups beauty spools grand quarry murderous lorn stupid paranoid moonling misanthropic sweet child of god, flightless hit-and-run dropout, pigeon! sleep!
The backhand, a double edged waffler, painfully lecherous farce of wildly spinning choking sky pummeled holy cow tortuosity – tanking again – the worst!
The little bird screams: why are you tanking??
Ok ok cascading – in a biliously wild tantrum with death.
Where exactly Cal suddenly stops! and starts to shout? frank ferocious crazy, the roustabout – merciless sweet storming croak when its breaking out – A raging ruthless stupid crackling blindness –
Slam always slamming on breaks and like in a road rage movie skids into a death spiral car catches on fire from passing dragon wheelies spitting fire – whose beauty ups the ante up up up – so hot and fired – molten, for your breadth –
It’s all depth. You see. Supposed to be outward looking??? Barely survives. Pollution. Very dense.
Vermiculture had to be gotten had to be stolen had to be found had to bussed in had to be wielded borrowed abused – flanks of vocabularies for the foam, forming up around Enchantment & Death and The Angelic Departure.
As of course, for materia medica – rattlesnake roots. Argy bargy, rubups ag’in and ag’in and ag’in the vicious relentless dichotomies – plush! sheeny roof fiddling moles of logic, ohh philosophy – since almost a virgin.
How one loves philosophy, boys with meta-brains, everybody’s got their Beauty School – blowfish, crabmeat, plum sauce, savories – to combat contempt of torrid horrid religious gods, for freedom mine – from them old caviling originalist cranks!
Foils have got to have preferences. For whose your Jesus. Disconnect! hallelujah! from the desert possessive, slip right in next to the detachable radiolucent Buddha, singing a tisket a tasket you can’t own god, thats slavery!
Very very Nasty.
The Rebel got riled with sweet morbid swells – caught in a trap, slay sly crash, flying blind – its always bash – running from captivity of any kind, money money –
Money, you be the death of me, here? Ya – Doh: writing, its a greed surely, mining this liquid space for oscillatory floating vibratiles whilst picking pulverulent at feathers (of chance).
Madness for me is a go-to term for living “in the mist,” parenthetically under siege from “demon” wisps. It came about when pushing limits of allowance and imagination, unity cracked up, like a crystal ball.
My soul had crashed. Its “inhabitants” took on the code word: voices. I only knew of them when they got out. Voices – separate and many, each rose up & came rushing thru as a kind of pure dimension – of love or hate, like a volcano, one blew then another blew then another etc. BOOM boom boom. And afterwards terror. I had no anticipation they would accrue – didnt know they existed as separables.
The result was hysteria and yet: it was nothing, I was always left after “blows” with nothing. As a person I was paralyzed. Fascinated and in shock. Could not overcome the zeal, do anything “real.” Was effectively “on the run” in a torrent of uprising – whose goal was – death??
Seeking acquaintance from other artists – to just admit it, talk about it, be there – I tried and tried, again and again. And everytime, ultimately, it began a leap into Madness. The leap itself created an eternity of sorrow, where wars raged inside my soul over love beauty abandonment the gods death horror terror desire, etc., without facility for escape (or friendship).
The yearning to address it in reality haunted my every move, but would not come out from behind a wall of ceaseless abandon – where it had lived since birth. I remember being lost in wayward precious loops of beauty & horror, before talking. Dreams occurred way before words, a guggling slug floating in a wild liquid consolute of profound intensity.
It was forbidden. As a kid. There was NO talking about it. Anything beyond “presence” could not be talked about beyond our playacting, we all seemed to live under a great secret shroud of: no telling.
As a teenager, there was one elderly adult that I knew who kind of understood about it. That there was stuff burning in my soul surviving elsewhere & she lived next door. Turns out now that it was Wolf Blitzer’s mum – she’d been in a death camp in Germany. The Blitzers had a wonderful clumsy sweet dog named Dolly. Whose whole bum wagged along with her tail when she was happy to see me. There was no fence between our yards. I’d play with Dolly and somehow end up inside their house.
Around Mrs. Blitzer something always calmed me, about living in more places than one. Nothing was said that I can recall, it was like she just knew that I had lives beyond the present – whose dimensions nearly took precedence as a mode of survival.
There was this level of terror that I conceded to, to myself, when with her or something, and she created beauty around it. Around her – it didn’t feel like she was trying to shove me back into being all innocence again – and its liberation from ignorance sparkled, without being cheapened, by having to put up a false front – secretly a shut out wagered precious up against victimization slaughter anger love. She treated the fascination I had with imaginations stray (murderous, blasphemous) fodder as valid –
Twenty some odd years on. The forbidden was way more forbidden and wild as the cosmos. And suddenly its making every effort – blindsiding me – to come alive – to be allowed, to admit whole hog its restless dubious ponderous inextricable existence. But terror would take hold like a god defiant, or the fascination would go ranging out into edges of beauty and death that were despotic and hypnotic, reaching moments of the most severe unrestrained beauty. I began to call this The Jar.
Desperately (times that by 100) tried everything to “reach the other shore.” Dread spread to every corner to cross to cross to cross what I now call the Bridge of Sighs. And indeed, artists I got in touch with, were people who themselves experienced hell, knew “the realms” in some way, and tried to help me. But nothing would release me. In fact their ghostly association was somehow the point! They were very delicious food for my “demons.” Demons who shamelessly squandered it. Mutually, merciless. Like at a restaurant on the moon, I had to have what they’re having.
New sways new ways
Since the fall of the wall, I constantly fall again under the influence. Have to be careful because I know death will erupt. And still I pursue it – influence from other o-turs, french pronunciation for authors – has a larger inference inclusive of movies & musicians. And still I dream day after day one day to finally “cross.” Though I have little idea what that really means other than being bereft of the real, in conversation with others who “do this too?”
I have been watching Ken Burns’ JAZZ. Dead artists are not problematic. They are safe, they are the sweet spot. James Joyce throws wondrous boogers. Only the living create “the impossible.” Watching film on jazz, the artists as influence working on each other, reaching for places of bold new infusion simplicity experiment generosity scope, etc – using each other to find what I call the fault lines, where the notes mysteriously turn over, sublimate, volcano and recombination, through mutual “abandon” to the creation of beauty for the sake of itself, beauty is inscrutable.
Allowing that to occur – indeed racing after it, fills my soul with grumbling steerage, in the bilge – in the coop, slurping loudly blowing on their hot soup.
Death is a very very big word that came to include everything not “present.” For me it comes down thru language of French Philosophy from Rousseau (“the substitute”) onward, Sartre’s Nothingness, Deleuze’s the Crack etc. Its a gulf of nonexistence.
Le double, le trompeur – people who are alive – its alive, here but NOT here, are nothing ?? As they only exist as influence, as demons themselves feeding on my beautiful squalor. Leaving me trembling in ferocious peaks of lonely death, mumbling grumbling and stumbling in, lost tossed and frosting the cake –
Only to be destroyed again, my whole being overtaken by a ferocious long baby makes hood, slipping back into a stark terrified loneliness, a kind of primordial psychomancy – breathing death into life, beauty and tragedy – as god as tomb as magic as doom.
Le double is theatre, thats my new view. He from whom pirated it knows who he is. And theatre is a play on infinity – a play on the continuum (as you are still alive) never reaches: cut. Once I get hit by beauty, where the influence is BIG, le double never dies. It blows off manhole covers, drills loudly at beams, eats me defeats me – I know I know – it is not, it is death (Sartre’s nonexistence) but it never dies. When the goods are too good. Its live wire.
Always “out there somewhere” meddling with me.
Achilles for the Capture
To capture language as travels through the depths of your skin to mine.
Shamelessly?? feeding off of it –
Learning about that for the very first time as it spread – thru to knuckles in all my joints, hands ears knees, the-love-triangle.
Occurred as a profoundly visionary disruption, and torment. And yet – it’d been there really, bastioned behind a wall of wonder & misfortune, percolating with resistance since, well – f$cking forever.
Suddenly emerging “from the ranks” – ruthless, Dracula like, only to seethe fumble and hunt – off the grand tumescences (hard-ons) of heavens rigors and rebuffs.
Its beauty brutal wondrous ruthless device-ive – spontaneously looking nakedly through the image – to meaning enchantment time. As old as the mythic itself – burning with love – outloud?? implacable & wild.
Engulfed indeed consumed by what have come to call Achilles Jar (nee Alladins Lamp). How language finds its hunger and adversary. Living off of other peoples beauty, fingers ears beautiful dicks – as poetic nocturne, spectre & pastiche.
The There & Not
There, just there – ambient & endogenous – as if touched by its beauty tragedy magic – cumulus & cunning, being and nothingness unconscionably intertwined, alchemies of love and death whistling through holes in the translucency of time –
Breaking out breaking out from behind the wonder wall, from deep asunder a forlorn ocean of terror beauty shame – above all else desire.
A madhouse of hypersexual meaning? enigmatic contradictory captivating demonic transcendent exhilarating disruptive traumatic riveting oppressive liberating forbidden bewildering hellish erratic very very disquieting – and furthermore: sublime.
Doubles & Reversals
To reverse a category into a liquid, as Jean Baudrillard might say, but then (as now) go further, and recapitulate, by way of boogers or poop –
A blizzard reversing the vulgar into play, like a four year old is apt to do, teasing language out of a love – a pure love – for transgression and dying from laughter.
The pure rush can still get perpetrating the language of love with nihilisms, whether it be just plain stinky or at the end of my rope, craven with horror –
Poe’s raven. Raptors purple black slick and feather, a rapturous diffusion of blood – my feeble unscrupulous double-timing blood –
Like being hit over the head by a hammer, by a trickster god – and having to fight off the stars, from that moment onward – its beauty rampant and yet devious –
A fool for reality??
To reach out from the raw caw-caw of struggle and loneliness for license beseeching with gestures as a way to reach for reality –
But then always plunging to my death, being mysteriously flooded over by your visionary prowess, unraveled by its seductions, in a revel of sanctimonious defiance that goes beyond beauty – to pain and death!
A vagary that is ravaging, untamable, mercilessly erotic, and rebuked by sorrows, deep as hell –
Sorrows inconsolable blood lovely – screaming up from the depths – how?! how criss cross these pirate planks of love?? without falling haven to a sanctuary of beautiful wildings – as they crash.
A pure dummy overrun by excitons raving to oblivion, pleading pleading “at risk of death!”
Grew up poetically in puritan realms that presume life is a boon of gloom. And that beauty resides at junctures with its naked treachery. T.S. Eliot. This from The Waste Land:
*Means empty and desolate the sea.
In pursuit of meaning – to find out what these treacheries reveal about beauty, something busts out beyond reason. Hopelessness falls into naked truth, is startled into a silence – an invocation that turns defiant, to confront this reversal – as a siege of holy horror.
The Cat, a demon (of love) that exists at edges of terror – always ready to leap. The Cat takes hold of my physiology.
The Leap, how a cat leaps – whether to get across to there, in a sudden panic of hope and beauty – or to run off – in a sudden silent screaming shriek of confusion fear sorrow dread, wild and exsanguinate with exquisitely daft notions of death.
Desperation is a wild animal minefield of demon beauty. I call it: that beauty and the beast thing.
Such a panic.
Quack & Noose
To break the chains of unyielding shrines whose beauty is beaming, I really really wanted to break the spell of a love that consumed me, and its burden of wild fears that constantly gang-planked my soul, jumping off the plank like a lemming indefatigable with death, burning with grace of contradiction –
To get over myself. To make time real again, by showing up.
That presence cracks a spell, and through admission, brings love down to earth. Not to kill it, but to let me exist again.
That was the “sane” thought. To push myself thru absurdly raging categories of fear – fears so unnamable, I knew they had to be religious, driven by mad hidden whammies of belief –
But for the 2nd time in my life, the Sacred Sublime defied all, did not crack the spell, but in his presence – a character I call Victor de Loveleye, his being around, and himself sleeping so close to that wretched divine dividing line between beauty and the beast, at least in my mind, hanging over the edge of meaning and willing to fall into the image – searching for destiny –
So bad, my hunger at the spigot of that delicacy, so treacherous, so up my nose and in the noose – that it was like being excommunicated to Glen Bolcain – from the famous poem Sweeney Astray, Sweeney is cursed and gets lost in Glen Bolcain, a defiant valley of madmen – in trees of Forced Solitude, wretched beautiful loneliness, fearless Silence, Discovery!
No matter what I did to crack the spell – the sublime defied it, defied presence, defied reason, defied time –
In league somewhere with love in the shallows of my heart was the death of purity & innocence – whose wildly beautiful magnifiers had fallen in love with brutal resistance, willfulness & defiance –
Hopelessness in hell is a thing of startling beauty, its like hitting bottom, it elevates death to a quantifier! as well as purifier.
And wariness – the loom of doom – dark webs of incalculable mischief – feed off of it, in a conspiracy – quack & noose with a deeply conspiring, might even say infinite capacity for love –
Poor little kitty – as the night wind mewls !?
A love that has no bounds. (Infinity in maths is not about limitlessness but about density? different infinities measure different densities, along a line as continuum – which has no beginning or end.)
A love, whose massively poignant wildly distrusting savagery gloamed in my heart as incorruptible, incorruptibility is a kind of reverence!
Thirsty for release, from plight, as a three-headed dog.
Paradise is a martyrs song. In eyes in hungry eyes, the hunter for a moment does not dare, not a breadth nor cough or sigh –
The murderer arises from a mirror of smoke.
And the Cat devours my heart, in an ecstasy at loose ends with death.
Transgressor must mock – in order to lessen inebriety of righteous throws. Voices, drunk with hope! whose righteousness (The Vanishing lives inside beauty surrounded by treachery) strikes back, as Foe –
Secretly muttering through disdain, disdain is a thief in a house of cards, a love that dare not speak its name – tumbling, out at the limits, gunning – backwards!! trying like hell to get around itself –
Sounds of silence deafen screaming in struggle with wild bouts of holy angst.
The voices are in a fight to death. Sickens to a brutal test beckoning backwards – Where death hears itself as a prisoner of sound. See Yeats’ Leda & The Swan.
Sleepy fairy forlorn, mourning the blasphemy and the scorn, seeing beauty in every distraught length, and storming banks of its brutal treachery for enuff just enuff “true” love to cross back –
Under the sea, mining stunning stabs of sorcerous intrigue. Jealousy for awareness, a hunger and sorrow exploding with thirst, clinging like madness –
And secretive – as a locket of hair imprisoned in the shape of a heart.
A bastard funk wild and grueling with riotous sweet contagions of ardor, sympathy, fascination with wile, arrogance, strength –
Abandon through? abandon through –
Came the cries of scurrilous ( pornographic ) angels in thrall to Atropos, lush stumbling throttles of death.
Dotting every bruise on a ripe perverse self-swallowing peach, as the divine map itself! with a little blood red flag for every wicked little death – where here belies destiny.
A body that turns religiously to mud when breaking taboo. Could not, the body could not follow through! Frightened despicably by a monstrous invocation of greed and desire.
Clotted agog curiously insidiously to an incantation of need & submission. Blown over by blow after blow of siren & cruces –
Running off to where raged & peaked indecision of a scandalous rupture, of a sublime unnameable nothingness – again and again.
A strange unhinging frailty, eclipsing tatters of a heart most unduly, as circled an orrery of beauty and contempt.
Stuffed to the breaking point with wicked fiendish inbred loops of sorrow and havoc. Mysteriously wrapping itself up for good – up up up inside scared sacred wounds, of a lowly mummy, locked in a battle of inscrutable stealth.
And yet – no matter what! still clingy, still clinging to desperadoes and harbingers of dishallow love, the voyage of awareness & desire, cognition and sensitivity – as its only “true” faith.